The First Time (10.06.2016)

it’s like solid gold
my first hit of Happy.
to have and to hold
i will always have me.

i was walking in the sun today
and i started crying.
the joy came out in waves
without me even trying.

the tears that warm my face today
are tears of truth and gladness.
they wipe away what remains
of all my aching sadness.

i am so grateful to you
you brought me back down to Earth.
every single person who
helped teach me my worth.

i am free to breathe easy
and feel the warmth of the world.
who knew that “happy”
would become my new buzzword?

while life was busy passing by
inside my heart was learning
i would simply sit and cry
oblivious and yearning.

i thought there was nothing else
new i could believe in.
i am in shock! i taught myself
to be happy. and keep breathing.

Hope (15.04.2019)

i feel the chokehold lift,
replaced by a gentler grip,
soft as a forehead kiss,
i breathe in all of the bliss,
i see myself survive,
stride right out of the abyss,
i see my future life,
i see her thrive, after this.

Club (02.04.2019)

it feels funny when i find it 
in vodka shots, behind bass drops, 
that long lost and longed for quiet 
inside, when all the thoughts just stop
i am finally reminded
how to just be
a woman, free
careless, courageous and wild.

After That (01.04.2019)

who would love a child like that?
one that lies
one that smiles
only when she is told to 

who would love a girl like that?
one that cries
cries like WILD
for reasons that elude you

who’d love a woman like that?
gnawed at, chewed
used up, loose
hysterically declaring her truth

somebody swear that they can.
promise me
from His green thumb, a weed did not bloom

who could love me after that?
after all that was done to me
i am left begging, pleading
that you can

still love me. anybody?
the silence asphyxiates me
no, you could never love me
after that.

Vessel (05.04.2019)

His voice scolded me and His fingers moulded me
His vessel merely to press all of His pleasures

where now lies the burden of laboured unlearning
on me;
where now i am spending a life lamenting my

Capture (29.03.2019)

the power held in haunting,
the magnitude of each moment, still making me
near-luminescent, at the discretion
of Your memory 

eyes refuse to reach Your gaze,
rest some other place. again, like when they wandered
far away
skiing off-piste, skim-reading walls and sheets
while i was cornered 

and while silence becomes You,
empty spaces have more to say. so, i lay braced
for the truth 
wrapped like a sweet, the wind can only speak
upon my escape.

TW // Burn (01.04.2018)

fire flickers
flicked against wrists
that don’t even flinch
she wonders if she’s dead yet

water boils
poured over sores
she likes to keep score
still unsure if she’s dead yet

tears trace
numb to each one
she falls to a slump
asking: "can i be dead yet?"

take me back
she begs harder
with each

take her back
she pleads faster 
for release
she doesn’t mean
to be
but she is.